(By Chuck and Jules: Conceived while doing monkey work at the office. i.e: collating. We know, we should have been having prayer vigil)
1.) During a lull in the meeting, get up and start looking under the couches, tables, under cushions etc. When someone asks you what you’re looking for, say “I’m looking for the point of this meeting”.
2.) Say absolutely nothing during the whole meeting. At the end of the meeting, apologize to everyone for being so loud and pushy with your opinions. (Bonus point: Ask for prayer for this)
3.) Whenever anyone says “to” or “for”, raise your hand and gesture two and four with your fingers.
4.) After someone has articulated the conclusion on a long, complicated point, say “Let me make sure I’m understanding you correctly”. Repeat their entire point back to them word. for. word.
4 1/2.) Alternately, if someone is saying something that they feel passionately about, put your hand on their knee and interrupt them by saying to everyone in the room “What _______ is trying to say is….” Proceed to say the exact opposite of what they’re trying to explain.
5.) Whenever a point comes to a vote during the evening, say that you can’t conscientiously vote on any of the options because you feel they were reached using circular reasoning.
6.) When anyone voices a difference of opinion, start loudly calling on Abner to stand in the gap and the keys of love, unity, and selflessness to distinguish the fires of disunity. See how many times you can do this.
7.) Pick one person. As soon as they start talking, blow your nose loudly. When they pause, pause. When they start talking, start blowing. Repeat as led.
8.) Discreetly whip out a Dictaphone and start whispering into it. When asked what you’re doing, say that the last point was really difficult for you to accept, so you’re taking it to the Lord for His mind on the matter. Ask them to please respect what you’re doing. (Bonus point: Ask everyone to lower their voices so you can concentrate).
9.) Present a controversial point of your choosing with a lot of emotion and passion. Try to get a really good debate going. Right as the point is coming to a close, immediately change your position on the point and argue forcefully in the other direction.
10.) See if you can go through the entire HC saying nothing but lines from the film Anchorman. (For example “I love lamp”, “people know me”, “I’m kind of a big deal”, “I want to be on you”, “tasteful discretion is the name of the game” etc.)
11.) Bring a pair of tweezers to the meeting and see how adventurous you can get.
12.) Every time you speak or bring up a point, allow your voice to quiver and fluctuate as if you’re about to cry. Clutch a tissue box in your hand.
13.) Pick one person and every time they speak sigh loudly, roll your eyes and hold your head in your hands.
13 1/2) An alternate option. (You must have an accomplice for this one) Decide together to pick one person, every time they speak, nod knowingly at each other and whisper “this is what I was telling you about”.
14.) Take the battery out of the clock on the wall and see how long it takes for people to notice.
15.) Pick a couch with only one other person on it. Start the meeting sitting as far away from them on the couch as possible, and throughout the evening, discreetly inch closer every minute or so. See how close you can get.
16.) Alternately, sit in a movable chair. Start the meeting seated in the circle and slowly scoot your chair closer and closer to the nearest door. See how far you can get.
17.) At the end of the meeting, suggest unitedly singing The Song of Victory Family anthem (not the easy one). Volunteer to sing Sunny’s part.
18.) Respond to everything with “This is a real ‘Walt’s in the kitchen’ situation”.
19.) For every decision that requires a volunteer, raise your hand and say “I can totally do that on my freeday.”
20.) Pick one person and halt the discussion to say “I think _____ is trying to say something”. See how many times you can do this to the same person.
21.) (Bonus points for parents — Requires baby montior)
a.) Once everyone is at the meeting, walk in with your baby monitor and plug it in. Turn it on to reveal that you have left on very loud booty shaking music in your child’s bedroom. Pretend not to notice.
b.) Make sure baby monitor is on and volume is turned up. Excuse yourself from the meeting for a second. Go to your room and make sure you’re near the baby monitor. Start begging the Lord for the grace to go back to the meeting and face the terrible animosity you’re feeling from your Home members. (Bonus point: Mention names and specific points that were discussed)
Disclaimer: In no way were these ideas conceived from any feelings of ill-will towards the very useful and needed institution of Home Council. We love our Home’s Home Council’s and feel that they are a very needed tool towards our health and happiness. No specific persons were in mind when creating these scenarios. Selah.
