How to Hug Jules and Chuck (by Chuck) January 8, 2008
Foolishness , trackbackYou know, like “How to Be Happy Anyhow” except cooler and without the English accent. (what?)
So there’s a dilemma that people like myself and Jules face daily. Especially since we are in a “hug cult” (really that would be more truthful than “sex cult” seeing as…well…THERE IS NO SEX!!!!! WHERE IS ALL THE SEX???? in the name of all that is holy…..)
So saying that - we feel that what we have to say is vital to our being able to survive this said “Hug cult”
You see - we get hugged a lot. As most likely you do as well. Except. Well. You’re either a short female - or a male.
If you are a male - there is never any problem. Your chest area is clear of objects of desire which unwittingly get shoved in other peoples happy smiling faces.
If you are a short woman well - there should be no problem. Good on you.
So where were we.
Ah yes - the objects of desire. I mean - I don’t desire them. but I like to think they are DESIRED by OTHERS. *hint*
So here’s what usually happens.
You’re in a room. There might be people, there might not - it doesn’t matter. All that matters is you know at some point your eyes will lock with another’s and you will immediately see them start to flinch in a “do I need to hug them?” sort of flinch. You can tell when someone feels they need to do this to you, you can see their hug muscles starting to go into gear (as a bonifide “hug cult” member, I can spot this from miles). So you both start towards each other - knowing that you must engage in your Christian duty of the required frontal contact.
As a tall women, you know that this can only end in sorrow and you feel the devastation that is ahead. You feel sorry, mostly for the unwitting person that is pursuing their God given duty to hug.
They just don’t know what their getting into.
This scenario can only end in these following ways.
1. You are much shorter than us - so short in fact that the top of your head fits nicely under our breasts. This, while not TOO awful can be a little unnerving as the next time I see you across the room I’ll be thinking “ah - there goes my favorite boob shelf”. I don’t feel too bad about this, as mostly I giggle, but I hope you never find out.
oops.
2. You are short. Not boob shelf short but something much, much worse. You’re a boob nestler. Yes - thats right - my boobs become the pillow in which you NESTLE your furry little head. And while I actually don’t mind this happening (what else do I use them for anyway? See above for the “WHERE IS ALL THE SEX” part)- I know that for you it can be horribly awkward. The good news is - I have a way out for you, which I’ll explain later. (BTW, the banner of this blog has some excellent “boob nestler” shots for your reference)
3. You. well. Lets just say, that I know the top of your head, better than the back of my hand. I know what shampoo you use, and when you switch products. Why? Because you’re just about tall enough to fit right under my nose. Thats right - you’re a nose shelf. I’m still struggling with if this is better than the previously stated shelf. Let me know what you think.
4. You’re just my height. So much just my height in fact that we meet, with arms outspread, and never actually get to complete the hug stance because our arms clash in mid air. Which usually becomes the much desired arm flapping dance. First, I move my arms up - so do you - no go there, so one of us moves our arms down - so does the other one, once again we’re trapped. Back and forth we go until someone begins to go diagonal into the pretzel hug. This really, is our only hope. If you are anywhere near my height please approach me with your arms in this manner: “left arm” at 2:00 and “right arm” at 8:00. Please practice in the nearest mirror. This would mean a lot to me. I will know what your intentions towards me are if I see you approach in this stance and will respond with my matching yet polar opposite “10:00 and 4:00″ stance. Thank you. This will make the world a better place.
5. If you are taller than me…then well…you’re taller than me. In which case, if you are a male then please…
…MARRY ME AND HAVE LOTS OF SEX AND BABIES!! (with me)
As for the rest of you - it may feel that there is no hope. But do not despair. All we have to do is come to grips with our lot in life and instead of run from it we must embrace it! (pun intended)
I propose a secret code. If you approach me and tell me that I’m both compelling AND rich - then I’ll hug you with such pizzaz and fervor that all awkwardness over your height and my height will be shelved (heh, heh) We’ll know that there is no perfect hug, but it won’t matter because we are in a HUGGING CULT and we LOVE IT.
Amen?
Okay so I know this isn’t really a SOLUTION, but at least I will know that you know that I know that you know that we BOTH know - which means I’ll be able to sleep better at night.
Comments»
You’re compelling and rich…
Now can I have that hug?
hehehe, loved it, brilliance
Ha, ha.
I know I’m a shelf, although with my giant heels I become a nestler. Because the nestler is “much, much worse”, I can always take my shoes off before we hug. How’s that?
I can just see you and Chuck writing this and giggling… I’m guessing there was alcohol involved. Am I right?
Chuck, how tall are you exactly? cause I know with Jules I’m probably a chin shelf, but I don’t remember you being that much taller than me. Don’t worry I will still hug you no matter what, as after all we have to fulfill our duty of being in the hugging cult (I love that phrase btw)
HAHAHAHAH Man, it’s unusual for me to actually laugh out loud when I read people’s blogs; man, did I laugh this time! Awesome, funny stuff Jules!
It’s all Chuck, man. Like the moon, I merely reflect her light…
Cuz, she’s like the sun.
In this little analogy….
I don’t know you nor have I met you but if I ever give you a hug I promise not to do any of the worse things you said. Hey what would happen if I stood on a chair and gave you a hug? I would be oh so much taller then you that way. *grin*
Chuck, you are kind of like a man fornicating with peanut butter(if you need translation, just ask).
On a lighter topic, I AM NO SHELF!! YEEHAW!! Feet in a**es!
I bet you can count on your fingers guys that are taller than you.
Andy, you’ve been proposed to.
How do you feel about that?
Dear Andy,
This is me, asking why I’m like a man, fornicating with peanut butter.
Please be specific. I need to know whether it is a jar of peanut butter, or if it is peanut butter sans any container…like a glop on the floor.
Its the little things that count Andy. The little things.
I never felt that quote applied to me.
Yes, but without the little things, there wouldn’t be any big things.
Don’t know if that helps us at all but I just thought I’d throw it out there in case it does.
That was, honestly, very funny. Although I think that you should state your height so we readers can start putting ourselves into the categories & making respective preparations–be that practicing in mirror, choosing a more allusively fragranced shampoo or simply taking a deep breath before being nestled.
Tip:Just so you know, most guys go for the waste & slide up. If you go for the neck, you should be in the clear. I know that getting on your knees may often feel like an easy way out of this dilemma but it WON’T HELP WITH THE AWKWARDNESS.
Happy hugging…&, who knows, maybe even some sex, eventually.
You’re right Geo, I should.
Chuck: 6 foot
Jules: 6 foot 5 inches. Or just - 77 zealous inches.
And going for the neck with males is great if you are shorter than the male. If you are the same height, it MIGHT work, except that he usually ends up suffocating in your shoulder. And if the male is shorter than you……(she ended lamely)
I actually usually end up leading the prospective hugger to the nearest stair case - placing them on the first or second step, depending on how vertically challenged they are, and enjoying a good chest nuzzle.
Otherwise, I try and look busy and important when walking through a room that I feel strong “hug cult” vibes coming from.
I’ve found it. Rock solid, tangible proof that we’re a hug cult.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYbGtpejwy0
You are so right on.
I noticed another hugging variation in the music video that was not mentioned above. If you happen to be the same height as me, I’d love to be approached cheek-first for a cheek-to-cheek embrace. I get the cheek-to-cheek hug very rarely for obvious reasons. Often it’s attempted by short people and ends up as a cheeck-to-boob hug.
Another one us tall ones have to watch out for is the underarm nestle. When they avoid your boobs and go for the underarm
Make sure you’re wearing deodorant!
LOL!
Chuck, you wish to know how you are like a man making love to peanut butter? With a jar or sans container?
You’re f***ing nuts. Haha!
I liked my joke. Julia see my blog for an answer to Chuck’s proposal
Man I found this post too late and Andy beat me to it. Funny, being a taller guy and not needing shelves I wasn’t aware of all that goes into hugs for you girls. Although I do know what the back aches it can bring sometimes. Big Hug!
Short people have problems too!
Don’t be hatin’
(As said by Connie, typed by Jules in the throes of deserved affliction)