77 Zealous Inches

Friends, I need your help! As I type this I’m sitting laptop to laptop with Justinee Weanie and he’s laughing at me. When Justin laughs at me it’s like an itch in my soul. Help me scratch that itch! You see, Justin has opened my eyes to the world of Awstats and since then, he feels the need to let me know that his blog (for some strange reason) gets more visits than mine, he forces me to open Awstats frequently and then points out the myriad of ways that he beats me in daily, weekly, and monthly stats! (On the bright side, I did beat him in February and my screen is brighter than his.)

Help me folks, I’m counting on you to help me beat Justin during the month of April. Spread the word, bring your friends, and do the right thing by visiting my blog more often. I promise I’ll make it more interesting, I’ll even put up pictures of babies if that’s what it takes — I’m desperate here! I’m not doing this for advertising purposes, if you’ve ever had Justin laugh at you you’ll understand what is driving me to issue this desperate plea – it’s starts off very small, like a shrill giggle, and then gets louder and louder until people start asking why he’s laughing, and then he has to tell them the reason – which is, of course, that his blog gets more hits than yours. And then, whenever you’re hanging out in the kitchen with cool people that you’re trying to impress, he has to give you a little snort and remind everyone that his blog gets more hits than yours. He’ll just interject it into the conversation, like:

“Oh yeah, it was gorgeous weather today – which reminds me, I get more hits on my blog than Jules!”

Its ouchie, and it’s not right — because he hardly ever posts! I’m putting myself out here, fellows! Now come through for me and together lets make 77ZI a force that can stand up to Justinee Weanie like David to Goliath, and topple him a blow! I’d like to make a special call to all of Justin’s siblings out there – now is your chance to get back at him for all the awful things he did to you as the bully older brother and boycott his blog (and visit mine more, please). Now, I know you’ll still want to visit paones.com to see pictures of Violet, she’s cute and I don’t blame you, so I came up with a handy solution: for those of his siblings who live within driving distance of each other, just make it a fun family event to all congregate at one house, crowd around one computer, and give paones.com a quick gander. I suggest you do this no more than once a month.

I am the ZEALOUS in her 77 inches.

Beware!

P.S. Does it count as an infiltration if the person whom you are infiltrating is aware of it and is in fact sitting right next to you? ….

either way

Beware!

Eheh. Heh. I thought this was funny. I stumbled across an interesting website that generates complaints. All I did was put “Chuck” in the the “first name” field and whaddya know? There’s actually some very insightful stuff in here. Blows yer mind!

My inquiries, necessarily hasty and perfunctory as I write this letter to meet a deadline, have elicited a wealth of information about Chuck. I want to share this with you because Chuck’s more than foolish. She’s mega-foolish. In fact, to understand just how foolish Chuck is, you first need to realize that I frequently wish to tell her that you don’t know how tempted I am to slap the stuffing out of her. But being a generally genteel person, however, I always bite my tongue. When I hear her say that her activities are on the up-and-up, I have to wonder about her. Is she thoroughly wanton? Is she simply being morally crippled? Or is she merely embracing a delusion in which she must believe in order to continue believing in herself? I once asked Chuck that question — I am still waiting for an answer. Well, I refuse to get caught up in Chuck’s “I think … I believe … I feel” game. Okay, I admit that most people are loath to admit that appeasement is not the answer. But if, five years ago, I had described a person like Chuck to you and told you that in five years, she’d tear down everything that can possibly be regarded as a support of cultural elevation, you’d have thought me choleric. You’d have laughed at me and told me it couldn’t happen. That said, let me continue. To end this letter, I would like to make a bet with Chuck. I will gladly give her a day’s salary if she can prove that it’s inappropriate to teach children right from wrong, as she insists. If Chuck is unable to prove that, then her end of the bargain is to step aside while I foster mutual understanding. So, do we have a bet, Chuck?